I'm almost done with my first year of school, just another month and a half really.  I've been at my job for six months, almost seven.  I finally see a specialist for my EDS on Friday, and I'm in a very normal local relationship.  I actually went to school with him, but I don't remember him at all. 

After my "life being awesome" I went to visit said dude, who couldn't give me the same things I needed, and he wouldn't just say that, he would be mean about it.  We're actually alright friends now, and he's happy for me, while I kind of enjoyed the fact that he was screwed over in his last relationship.

As for my dude now, he's so backwards for me.  He said no to sex initially, because he wanted me to be all...intimate and stuff, and not just sex.  Thank god we jumped that hurdle, but he did make me work, pretty hard for it.  Friday night we had a double date with my sister and her fiancee.  Never...again.  They enjoy things like licking each others' nose in public and making out and stuff.  My dude and I don't...in fact they asked, "Are you guys always this...not touchy?"  In public yep, but eh, he's a pretty good cuddler, and he does it while he's driving......awesome for my vehicular anxiety.  :P

The job?  I work at Walmart, like most everyone else, haha.  I work in the toy department.  They're pretty cool, and initially I had to use a walker when I started.  Now I'm peachy without it, just really sore when I get home.  I work short shifts (4.5-5 hours) but that's fine by me.

My sister is pregnant.  I don't agree with her and fiancee PLANNING to have a baby.  Firstly, they've been together for four months.  Secondly, he just got fired.  Thirdly, we live in a two bedroom and I have to try and help find more space for less money.  Does anyone else see where I'm going with this?  He told everyone I can't be happy for them because I'm jealous and I can't have kids.  While I probably can't without fertility treatments, and have always seriously wanted to adopt, I'm not happy with the situation with which baby is arriving.  She's only two months right now, but come on....

 

 

 

And WHY did they get rid of where I could put what I'm reading?!  Is that new?  I'm so upset with that...

The Fault In Our Stars by John Green....I friggin love that guy, he has no bad books, seriously.

Wow, this is pretty much the longest I've been absent from Xanga in a loooong time.  Sheesh, well...I start school in August!  I'll be going to Kirkwood (via the interwebs), it's cheaper, and...better for Mom.  She's been going downhill lately, and...eh, it's harder for me not to care.  She fell, and when I say "fell" I mean in a very LifeAlert sense.  However my patience with other things is...failing.  January she went to a doctor in Iowa City who suggested going off her meds, and reintroducing them individually.  Today she went to her local doctor to see why her memory is so bad and why she has a slur in her speech.  Oh, the meds she refused to go off have nasty little side effects.  Maybe I'm just generally disenchanted with medical professionals.  I actually got on some pills myself, migraine prevention, which WORK and only have a side effect of making me sleepy.  I ended up going a solo road romantically, though I've got a chap in mind.  Annnnd I've been reading my soul out!  Anyway, I'll update soon, I promise :)

Well well well, long time no talk.  Let's see, what do I have to cover?  Christmas, New Year's, Dad and determination. 

Christmas, I have a friend who has no family to speak of, so I invited him over.  Little did I know "friend" would want to be more.  I was slaving over a stove/oven, looking rough,  trying to make sure everyone had a nice dinner and I got more than I bargained for.  However, I did get a Nightwing shirt and the Up to Snow Good Bumble!!  I was excited.

New Year's, far more eventful.  I drank, and I was totally wasted, completely.  I had a shot and a half of peppermint schnapps.  I am THAT much of a lightweight.  Anyway, New Year's Day I get a text from the "former" object of my affection.  "Former" as in he quit talking to me so I gave up on it kinda, I still dug him, I just refused to pine.  With that said, "I'm sorry I quit talking to you...I don't know what happened...actually I do, I was scared of what we could be, and I didn't know what would happen."  Now, I've got the friend from Christmas wanting to pursue something serious, and I've got a friend with benefits which I acquired in the reckless phase of this bloke not talking to me.  I explain to the friend I am emotionally involved with one person, and physically with another, and he's ok with it.  Friend and I went on like an actual "dinner and a movie" date.  He took me to one of my favorite places, and let me pick the movie.  It went very well, but emotionally...it isn't there.  I TOLD him all this, and after the date I called my bloke.  I got a job (unofficially) and was so excited.  I HAD to call him.  I asked if I could call him for a minute, and a minute apparently means 3 and a half hours.  So the next day I tell friend about the goings on, about how I HAVE to try and make something out of this.  My bloke lives about 85 miles away, which...isn't easy, but I have the job, I've committed to learning how to drive, and I filled out my FAFSA.  THAT is how much he means to me.  I need to see if this can work.  I feel crazy, but for the first time in a long time, I've shown some determination.

My dad, his wife and her younger daughter are in town.  I just got home a few hours ago.  I left at about seven this morning.  His wife is evil, regardless of what anyone says.  I stomach her for my dad's sake...my sisters are not so nice.  There was significant drama in the week between the holidays.  I can cope...I don't like her, but I'm cordial and don't act like I'm looking at someone who isn't so nice.  It was mostly good, Dad gave me his music collection (score...since yall know I think his taste is nearly flawless...until I found Miley Cyrus) and I saw Grandma.  We went to the lock, which is so nice!  I still don't like her, but I was glad for the lack of interaction.  Her daughter kept her fairly occupied.  When I came home, Mom and I talked, and I dropped the bomb about getting my shit together for my bloke (and myself), and she was so sweet.  "Why can't he come see you?  He could at least send you the money to see him.  He doesn't seem like he's putting any effort in this.  Don't get your heart set on one person, you'll just end up so disappointed and hurt, I don't want to see that."  What a great way to rain on my parade!!  I flippin hate that.  I told her that and how she makes it seem like walking away is a better option and how I don't want to do that to him.  I can't.  He's WORTH the risk.  Blah, so she cried about it. 

Anyway, onto the song, eh?  It's one of my dad's and actually makes me think of my cousin.  He's in a band...they cover it, it makes sense.

Mr. Jones - Counting Crows

I was down at the New Amsterdam staring at this
yellow-haired girl
Mr. Jones strikes up a conversation with this black-
haired flamenco dancer
She dances while his father plays guitar
She's suddenly beautiful
We all want something beautiful
I wish I was beautiful
So come dance this silence down through the morning
Cut up, Maria! Show me some of them Spanish dances
Pass me a bottle, Mr. Jones
Believe in me
Help me believe in anything
I want to be someone who believes
Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales
Stare at the beautiful women
"She's looking at you. Ah, no, no, she's looking at me."
Smiling in the bright lights
Coming through in stereo
When everybody loves you, you can never be lonely
I will paint my picture
Paint myself in blue and red and black and gray
All of the beautiful colors are very very meaningful
Gray is my favorite color
I felt so symbolic yesterday
If I knew Picasso
I would buy myself a gray guitar and play
Mr. Jones and me look into the future
Stare at the beautiful women
"She's looking at you.
I don't think so. She's looking at me."
Standing in the spotlight
I bought myself a gray guitar
When everybody loves me, I will never be lonely
I want to be a lion
Everybody wants to pass as cats
We all want to be big big stars, but we got different
reasons for that
Believe in me because I don't believe in anything
and I want to be someone to believe
Mr. Jones and me stumbling through the barrio
Yeah we stare at the beautiful women
"She's perfect for you, Man, there's got to be
somebody for me."
I want to be Bob Dylan
Mr. Jones wishes he was someone just a little more
funky
When everybody loves you, son, that's just about as
funky as you can be
Mr. Jones and me staring at the video
when I look at the television, I want to see me staring
right back at me
We all want to be big stars, but we don't know why
and we don't know how
But when everybody loves me, I'm going to be just
about as happy as I can be
Mr. Jones and me, we're gonna be big stars...

People are surprising.  Sometimes ones you think will be around aren't anymore, and sometimes...someone who you didn't really think about, wants to be a part of things.  I add everyone on that F-site.  If I went to school with someone, boom, they ARE being added.  I did that, of course, and one night he IMs me.  We got to talking and he's pretty much a cool dude.  I don't know that anything amazing will come of it, but if you had told me two weeks ago that I would even talk to him, I would have laughed.  I've seen him plenty of places, since he lives pretty close, but again, never talked to him.  We've been talking a lot lately, and it's so weird.  At first I was simply weirded out, and wouldn't take it seriously, but now...now I'm coming around, because, you never know.  Anyway, he's going on a trip right now, yay holidays, and we were talking music.  We're both pretty open to it, but eh, anyway, this song came up.  I have a soft spot for the band anyway.  Haha, yeah, so...we'll see.  Also, sorry about the really long sabbatical, I ended up needing to reformat, what joy!!

Carry This Picture - Dashboard Confessional

Carry this picture for luck
Kept in a locket
Tucked in your collar
Close to your chest
Make it a secret
Shown to the closest friends
And meet me at quarter to 7
The sun will still shine then
At this time of year
We'll head to the inlet
And we'll share a bottle there

And color the coast with your smile
Its the most genuine thing
That I've ever seen
I was so lost
But now I believe

And follow me south of the big docks
They tether the boats
The rich men revere
As so important
They hire our fathers to steer
And down to the edge of the water
Where we'll spill our guts
And we'll name our fears
I'll give you this picture
Keep it and don't be scared

And color the coast with your smile
It's the most genuine thing
That I've ever seen
I was so lost
But now I believe
And the coast
Your smile is the most genuine thing
That I've ever seen
I was so lost
But now I believe
And I believe
Now I believe
Now I believe

I've been weird-er than normal lately.  It's a feelings thing.  I've been all deep and philosophical...I need to lay off the poetry.  Rilke and Emerson today, blah.  Keep to the fluff, and I'm confessing all my weirdness to my dude and he simply says, "It's all good, you're fine."  FINE?!  No, I'm not fine, I'm totally falling head over heels for him and he thinks it's all fine?  I don't get it.  Anyway this is kind of a perfect song to get my mind off things...actually a perfect band to for the most part.  They never are really too serious (pre-American Idiot) and this song eh, it's nice.

Poprocks and Coke  - Green Day

Wherever you go
You know I’ll be there
If you go far,
You know I’ll be there
I’ll go anywhere,
So I’ll see you there
You place the name
You know I’ll be there
You name the time
You know I’ll be there
I’ll go anywhere
So I’ll see you there

I don’t care if you don’t mind
I’ll be there not far behind
I will dare
Keep in mind
I’ll be there for you

Where there’s truth
You know I’ll be there
Amongst the lies
You know I’ll be there
I’ll go anywhere
So I’ll see you there

I don’t care if you don’t mind
I’ll be there not far behind
I will dare
Keep in mind
I’ll be there for you

If you should fall
You know I’ll be there
To catch the call
You I’ll be there
I’ll go anywhere
So I’ll see you there

I don’t care if you don’t mind
I’ll be there not far behind
I will dare
Keep in mind
I don’t care
I’ll be there for you
I’ll be there for you

He played a song for me last night.  It was this one, actually.  I almost cried.  It's such a beautiful song to begin with.  And when he played it on his guitar whaaaa, totally putty.  On the down side my sister messaged messaged me saying "happy anniversary of becoming bionic" and followed it up with her saying she had to call me later.  My big sister has MS.  It's still preliminary, she needs her MRI results and a spinal tap to be sure, but the arrows point to it.  Ten years ago on Saturday it was my 12th birthday.  My sister was turning 21 the day after.  She called me for our collective birthdays for the first time ever.  I said she should have a good birthday, but she told me it wouldn't be, because her aunt had died.  She died of MS.  Now I'm just thinking about my sister dying, and...I can hardly bear it.  I mean, I know it's early and she's been on top of it, but still, it's something to think about.

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

This song, I think it relates a lot to how I react to things.  It doesn't hurt that the lead singer makes my exclusive list of "skinny dudes I'd bone."  Eh, I have a thing for big guys, and he isn't, but he is nice to look at.  I was actually pleasantly surprised by the Neon Trees.  After hearing "Animal" on the radio and liking it, I seriously expected all their songs to sound the same...and they DO NOT.  I love that.  I am just so over the moon with them, ridiculously.  By the way...I love Iowa...it makes hot cocoa taste better. 

Helpless - Neon Trees

Why can't you see I'm just no good at these things?
I want to love you like the man I'm supposed to be.
But you don't mean these conversations get boring
The thick, the pathetic working's like consistency (?)

You turn and ask me
Why don't you hold me baby, oh oh baby
My cool is melting away in the making
Oh miss, you can't see me like this

Helpless helpless
What makes my lonely heart feel like this?
Helpless, I'm helpless when it comes to you

Leave me alone. I know I'm not making sense
But I know I can't let you come any closer
It's my security, its my self-offense
I keep on doing all this over and over

You turn and ask me,
Just get to know me baby, oh oh baby
I turn away and pretend that I'm doing just fine
But you're inside my mind
And I'm

Helpless helpless
What makes my lonely heart feel like this?
Helpless, I'm helpless when it comes to you

I'm caught in the way we talk,
I'm never good enough
Your love's like a wrecking ball and I don't want to break apart
Break apart, oh oh oh ohhh

Helpless helpless
What makes my wounded heart feel like this?
Helpless, I'm helpless when it comes to you
[x2]
when it comes to you...

Remember how I keep saying I don't like rap?  I say these things...often.  Unfortunately Justin, Buddy's fiancee, is a BIG rap fan.  Now, exposure has made it so I don't automatically want to stab ear drums or anything, but I don't go seeking it out.  Asher Roth has become my exception.  I might kinda love him a little bit, you know.  Anyhoozie...I dig the song, haha.

Be By Myself - Asher Roth ft Cee-Lo (whoever he is)

[Intro: Cee-Lo]
I gotta be by myself, gotta be by myself this time
Whoa [x2]

[Verse 1: Asher Roth]
In the backseat screaming out loud
In the backseat screaming out
Ash is young, attractive, handsome bachelor, awesome rapper
Got a knack for vernacular when I perform spectacular
I'll have any girl that I want, I'm a take the girl in the front
Boobs bounce when I tell the crowd jump, honey, come backstage I just want to have fun
But I'm too young to be locked down, not now
Need a new car, drive around with the top down
New broad with her bra and her top down
Chillin' in the backseat screaming out loud

[Chorus: Cee-Lo]
She wants to be my lady but I don't see her
She wants to be my lady but I'm a free bird
I gotta be by myself, gotta be by myself this time
I gotta fly by myself, go get high by myself this time

[Verse 2: Asher Roth]
The cycle is Shawn Michaels (heartbreak)
And yeah I like you but not enough to wife you
Say, I'm nice, true and you think I'm the right dude
But there's another girl just like you (like who?)
I'm on the road, another night, another show
New event in a new time zone
And the live show is so mind blowing
And it's my show so you know that I'm blown (you know?)
No text gonna give me head, Long distance just ain't my thing
Yeah I'm single, don't need no ring,
I'm a free man now, I don't need no strings, sing

[Chorus]

[Verse 3: Asher Roth]
If you're cool with nights at the pool
Jacuzzis and groupies, groupies and booze
And no rules, I'm only 22
I need to watch football and hang with the crew
But if you don't get mad when I get fat
Cause all I do is eat, drink, smoke weed and rap
And play Madden then dag
You're pretty rad and I take it all back, c'mon

[Chorus]

Just keep clapping your hands, Feels good, feels nice and warm in here right now
I'm feeling free, if you feel free, clap your hands, ah, ah, ah, c'mon

[Chorus]

I ask this simply because, yesterday was possibly the weirdest day...ever.  I ended up spending the night with Local Guy, who was just well...terribly nice.  He's only about a 5.5 in the looks department, but I feel like his personality overrides that.  I mean, he really just is so sweet, and he worries about me, which is kinda different.  I mean he asked me at least three times if I was feeling alright.  Believe me, I felt fine, haha.  The only real issue is, let's face it, I'm not THAT experienced, just deeply intrigued by sex.  With that said, I'm the more experienced between us...and I don't know how I feel about playing teacher.  That's actually really hard for me, and why I typically shoot for guys a few years older.  What can I say?  I'm one of those hypocrites where experience recommends a man, and makes a woman look cheaper, generally.  Anyway, then last night, I get a text from Lavon.  It was a mass text, I know, but I wished him Happy Halloween back and asked how he was and all that jazz.  He said it was surprising I was talking to him, since I don't like him.  Then he propositioned me for ex sex.  When I said I was sorta seeing someone, and couldn't, he said, "Wow, you don't waste any time do you?"  Maybe, maybe not, I'm not going to wait for a guy who treats me like crap.  Then he talked about still being in love with me, but he didn't want me to have to deal with his being homeless, but it's too late now because I moved on, and I shouldn't text him back because it's TOO painful.  Mmmk weird.  Anyway, then I start talking to long distance guy and pouring my wee soul out.  Ironically he is pretty much the only person I can talk to, completely raw and totally without censor.  We can't work simply because we live too far apart.  In all honesty I kinda love him, a little, but I'm willing to get with someone closer.  I mean, when we were talking last night I was SO flippin close to saying, "I'll make it work" but...I can't, it takes two, and he said, "200 miles, I can drive in a day, that would be no problem, but a thousand?  That's different."  It's more like 850, but I suppose I get the point.  And I wouldn't end anything with anyone for a CHANCE with him, but I might think about it.  Maybe that's crazy, it probably is...but I don't *really* care at this point.  It's an awkward combo of lust and a general appreciation of him as a person.  Don't tell me that's what love is either, haha, because I REFUSE to believe that.  I mean, local guy...when I said I felt bad about living so far away (30 minutes) he said, "Half an hour ain't nothin' and to me, you're worth it, so I don't care at all."  I mean, THAT'S sweet, especially coupled with the fact that he can look at me in the morning and tell me how beautiful I am.  Thank god he's Helen Keller right?  Anyway, the song today is quite appropriate!

People Are Strange - The Doors

People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down

When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down

When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

Okey dokey, lust panned out poorly, within 24 hours I informed him of an inability to keep it casual.  It's sad, because I have no moral apprehension to sex, I just get way too attached.  While I'm pouring my wee heart out to an old friend he does the same.  Of course he dates bitches, and complains, and then goes on about how he wishes I lived closer.  Well, there's a running theme between us, how we don't live close and the other reeks of awesome.  Then it came up...the "fuck the distance, we can try and make a go for it" and well...I agree.  The distance is kind of a roadblock, sure, but...meh, there's an emotional rawness when I talk to him.  I feel like things changed for me though.  My loyalty factor kicked in immediately, which isn't new, but all today I've been really bugged by something.  I WANT to talk to him.  I care more about making this work than I did with either of my close proximity ones...and that doesn't seem right.  Like, I'm being clingy!!  Ok, I'm being clingy for me, but...I can't help it, I'm trying to, it's just that I care so much.  I just keep worrying that nothing changed for him, you know?  Meh, I'm thinking too much about it probably, but...I've been super introspective.

Ok, the song...the Script is fucking beautiful!  I haven't heard a song that didn't elicit my complete attention.  This one actually made me cry.  I mean, who hasn't had the feeling that they're pretty unremarkable?

I'm Yours - The Script

You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart
You wrap you thoughts in works of art
And they're hanging on the walls of my heart

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

You heeled these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You're the only angel in my life
The day news came my best friend died
My knees went week and you saw me cry
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
I know I don't fit in that much
But I'm yours