Ravings of a mad woman

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

  • Has it really been this long?

    I'm almost done with my first year of school, just another month and a half really.  I've been at my job for six months, almost seven.  I finally see a specialist for my EDS on Friday, and I'm in a very normal local relationship.  I actually went to school with him, but I don't remember him at all. 

    After my "life being awesome" I went to visit said dude, who couldn't give me the same things I needed, and he wouldn't just say that, he would be mean about it.  We're actually alright friends now, and he's happy for me, while I kind of enjoyed the fact that he was screwed over in his last relationship.

    As for my dude now, he's so backwards for me.  He said no to sex initially, because he wanted me to be all...intimate and stuff, and not just sex.  Thank god we jumped that hurdle, but he did make me work, pretty hard for it.  Friday night we had a double date with my sister and her fiancee.  Never...again.  They enjoy things like licking each others' nose in public and making out and stuff.  My dude and I don't...in fact they asked, "Are you guys always this...not touchy?"  In public yep, but eh, he's a pretty good cuddler, and he does it while he's driving......awesome for my vehicular anxiety.  :P

    The job?  I work at Walmart, like most everyone else, haha.  I work in the toy department.  They're pretty cool, and initially I had to use a walker when I started.  Now I'm peachy without it, just really sore when I get home.  I work short shifts (4.5-5 hours) but that's fine by me.

    My sister is pregnant.  I don't agree with her and fiancee PLANNING to have a baby.  Firstly, they've been together for four months.  Secondly, he just got fired.  Thirdly, we live in a two bedroom and I have to try and help find more space for less money.  Does anyone else see where I'm going with this?  He told everyone I can't be happy for them because I'm jealous and I can't have kids.  While I probably can't without fertility treatments, and have always seriously wanted to adopt, I'm not happy with the situation with which baby is arriving.  She's only two months right now, but come on....

     

     

     

    And WHY did they get rid of where I could put what I'm reading?!  Is that new?  I'm so upset with that...

    The Fault In Our Stars by John Green....I friggin love that guy, he has no bad books, seriously.

Saturday, 04 June 2011

  • Currently
    Tighter
    By Adele Griffin
    see related

    The Official "My Life is Awesome" post :)

    Now, we're in June, I love this month.  Actually, I hate heat, and humidity, making June sucky, but this June, I love it.  My Logan has vacation coming up, with which I will be in Cedar Rapids with him.  I was offered a job yesterday, that ideally won't interfere with that.  I'm planning to move come September/October, to Cedar Rapids.  I've also been approved for a work-study at Kirkwood, which will be awesome!  Oh now for the heavy stuff...

    When I was 16, I was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.  I'm hypermobile, and have a history of dislocations and subluxations.  I was used to all this and whatnot, but then one day a rib popped.  I am NOT used to that.  Anyway, I never bothered looking too much into EDS, because I didn't have anything I wasn't capable of handling.  The rib threw me off, so I started looking things up.  There's a whole community out there!  I learned the best thing of all, I'm normal.  This year I've been battling crippling migraines, I had NO idea that not only could my EDS be a culprit, but that so many EDSers have horrible migraines.  It's so much of a relief to not worry "What else is wrong?" and to know, "Hey, it's my EDS."  Granted, I'm a little worried about how people look at me when I "fix" myself.  Even my mom gives me a funny look when I pop my elbow, and my sister does...my sister with EDS, just saying. 

    Speaking of my mother, the earth stopped, AND hell froze over yesterday.  I was worried about my job preventing me from going to Logan's, and then she said something.  She says, "He makes you happier than any job ever will, you don't even need it, we get by just fine...I'll even drive you up there, and you can focus on the move."  Now...this is a similar sentiment to that which my father gave me.  If anyone remembers mention of my mother, she suffers from INTENSE separation anxiety, among other things.  She also fears me getting hurt.  For her to not only say to follow my heart, but to do it away from her is a huge deal...and then for her to say, "I agree with your father," let's just say I want to be pinched right now.  Haha, anyway, I'm so happy I can hardly stand it, I love life right now.

    For more on EDS, and for a wicked cool bracelet: 
    http://www.ednf.org/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

  • Currently
    Where She Went
    By Gayle Forman
    see related

    Dear god it's been awhile!!

    Wow, this is pretty much the longest I've been absent from Xanga in a loooong time.  Sheesh, well...I start school in August!  I'll be going to Kirkwood (via the interwebs), it's cheaper, and...better for Mom.  She's been going downhill lately, and...eh, it's harder for me not to care.  She fell, and when I say "fell" I mean in a very LifeAlert sense.  However my patience with other things is...failing.  January she went to a doctor in Iowa City who suggested going off her meds, and reintroducing them individually.  Today she went to her local doctor to see why her memory is so bad and why she has a slur in her speech.  Oh, the meds she refused to go off have nasty little side effects.  Maybe I'm just generally disenchanted with medical professionals.  I actually got on some pills myself, migraine prevention, which WORK and only have a side effect of making me sleepy.  I ended up going a solo road romantically, though I've got a chap in mind.  Annnnd I've been reading my soul out!  Anyway, I'll update soon, I promise :)

Sunday, 09 January 2011

  • And my heart won't tell my mind to tell my mouth what it should say

    I've become the victim of a love triangle...possibly quadrangle.  I always believed that honesty is the best policy, and consequently the key players all know about each other.  I don't know what else to say to them.  There's Jesse, whom I can fall in love with with ease, just lives 85 miles away, John who loves me, and Steve who is purely physical.  Recently the latter suggested something of a different nature, which is the quadrangle.  John said he'd take me to see Jesse...and I can't let him do that.  Jesse knows how I feel, and I told him, "Hey, I can visit you like...soon, but it'll be awkward."  My mom of course thinks getting my life in order is dumb, especially with a guy as a motivator, who doesn't have the time to physically drop everything to come up here.  He'd LIKE to, just between work and his daughter he can't, and I get that.  It's awful of me to apparently be ok with his daughter being his first priority.  Anyway, the title line MAKES this song.  I'm not saying this because Zac Brown himself is hot, but that was why I started listening...now I'm addicted.  My dad called me a traitor :(

    As She's Walking Away - Zac Brown Band ft. Alan Jackson

    We never spoke a word
    But every thought she had I heard from across the room
    If we were standing face to face
    I couldn’t find the words to say give me one more move
    I don’t even know her name
    I guess foolish prides to blame

    chorus

    Now I’m Falling in love as she’s walking away
    and my heart won’t tell my mind to tell my mouth what it should say
    May have lost this battle, live to fight another day
    Now I’m falling in love as she’s walking away

    Wise man next to me did say
    bout the one that got away
    son i missed my chance
    Don’t you let regret take place
    of the dreams you have to chase
    ask her to dance…. go on son
    you might fall down on your face
    roll the dice and have some faith

    chorus

    you might fall down on your face
    roll the dice and have some faith

    chorus


Friday, 07 January 2011

  • Currently
    Entice (Need)
    By Carrie Jones
    see related

    I wanna be someone who believes

    Well well well, long time no talk.  Let's see, what do I have to cover?  Christmas, New Year's, Dad and determination. 

    Christmas, I have a friend who has no family to speak of, so I invited him over.  Little did I know "friend" would want to be more.  I was slaving over a stove/oven, looking rough,  trying to make sure everyone had a nice dinner and I got more than I bargained for.  However, I did get a Nightwing shirt and the Up to Snow Good Bumble!!  I was excited.

    New Year's, far more eventful.  I drank, and I was totally wasted, completely.  I had a shot and a half of peppermint schnapps.  I am THAT much of a lightweight.  Anyway, New Year's Day I get a text from the "former" object of my affection.  "Former" as in he quit talking to me so I gave up on it kinda, I still dug him, I just refused to pine.  With that said, "I'm sorry I quit talking to you...I don't know what happened...actually I do, I was scared of what we could be, and I didn't know what would happen."  Now, I've got the friend from Christmas wanting to pursue something serious, and I've got a friend with benefits which I acquired in the reckless phase of this bloke not talking to me.  I explain to the friend I am emotionally involved with one person, and physically with another, and he's ok with it.  Friend and I went on like an actual "dinner and a movie" date.  He took me to one of my favorite places, and let me pick the movie.  It went very well, but emotionally...it isn't there.  I TOLD him all this, and after the date I called my bloke.  I got a job (unofficially) and was so excited.  I HAD to call him.  I asked if I could call him for a minute, and a minute apparently means 3 and a half hours.  So the next day I tell friend about the goings on, about how I HAVE to try and make something out of this.  My bloke lives about 85 miles away, which...isn't easy, but I have the job, I've committed to learning how to drive, and I filled out my FAFSA.  THAT is how much he means to me.  I need to see if this can work.  I feel crazy, but for the first time in a long time, I've shown some determination.

    My dad, his wife and her younger daughter are in town.  I just got home a few hours ago.  I left at about seven this morning.  His wife is evil, regardless of what anyone says.  I stomach her for my dad's sake...my sisters are not so nice.  There was significant drama in the week between the holidays.  I can cope...I don't like her, but I'm cordial and don't act like I'm looking at someone who isn't so nice.  It was mostly good, Dad gave me his music collection (score...since yall know I think his taste is nearly flawless...until I found Miley Cyrus) and I saw Grandma.  We went to the lock, which is so nice!  I still don't like her, but I was glad for the lack of interaction.  Her daughter kept her fairly occupied.  When I came home, Mom and I talked, and I dropped the bomb about getting my shit together for my bloke (and myself), and she was so sweet.  "Why can't he come see you?  He could at least send you the money to see him.  He doesn't seem like he's putting any effort in this.  Don't get your heart set on one person, you'll just end up so disappointed and hurt, I don't want to see that."  What a great way to rain on my parade!!  I flippin hate that.  I told her that and how she makes it seem like walking away is a better option and how I don't want to do that to him.  I can't.  He's WORTH the risk.  Blah, so she cried about it. 

    Anyway, onto the song, eh?  It's one of my dad's and actually makes me think of my cousin.  He's in a band...they cover it, it makes sense.

    Mr. Jones - Counting Crows

    I was down at the New Amsterdam staring at this
    yellow-haired girl
    Mr. Jones strikes up a conversation with this black-
    haired flamenco dancer
    She dances while his father plays guitar
    She's suddenly beautiful
    We all want something beautiful
    I wish I was beautiful
    So come dance this silence down through the morning
    Cut up, Maria! Show me some of them Spanish dances
    Pass me a bottle, Mr. Jones
    Believe in me
    Help me believe in anything
    I want to be someone who believes
    Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales
    Stare at the beautiful women
    "She's looking at you. Ah, no, no, she's looking at me."
    Smiling in the bright lights
    Coming through in stereo
    When everybody loves you, you can never be lonely
    I will paint my picture
    Paint myself in blue and red and black and gray
    All of the beautiful colors are very very meaningful
    Gray is my favorite color
    I felt so symbolic yesterday
    If I knew Picasso
    I would buy myself a gray guitar and play
    Mr. Jones and me look into the future
    Stare at the beautiful women
    "She's looking at you.
    I don't think so. She's looking at me."
    Standing in the spotlight
    I bought myself a gray guitar
    When everybody loves me, I will never be lonely
    I want to be a lion
    Everybody wants to pass as cats
    We all want to be big big stars, but we got different
    reasons for that
    Believe in me because I don't believe in anything
    and I want to be someone to believe
    Mr. Jones and me stumbling through the barrio
    Yeah we stare at the beautiful women
    "She's perfect for you, Man, there's got to be
    somebody for me."
    I want to be Bob Dylan
    Mr. Jones wishes he was someone just a little more
    funky
    When everybody loves you, son, that's just about as
    funky as you can be
    Mr. Jones and me staring at the video
    when I look at the television, I want to see me staring
    right back at me
    We all want to be big stars, but we don't know why
    and we don't know how
    But when everybody loves me, I'm going to be just
    about as happy as I can be
    Mr. Jones and me, we're gonna be big stars...


Monday, 20 December 2010

  • Currently
    The Poet's Guide to Life: The Wisdom of Rilke
    By Rainer Maria Rilke
    see related

    I'm screaming but nobody can hear me

    It's so beautiful!!  That's what I have to say about this song, gah.  Last night I was listening to "Punk Goes Classic Rock" and was telling Ben that a cover of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Never Shout Never wasn't that great.  Then he says, "Wanna hear some friends of mine?"  He whips this out and I'm like, crying because it's so wonderful.  Of course when I say that he just said, "I think you're wonderful."  Blah, sweet, cute, funny guy...bad news.  It's weird to think like 10 years ago I was totally scared to talk to him because he gave off a "juvenile delinquent" vibe.  I feel bad turning him into an F-site addict though, but eh...totally the easiest way to talk at the moment.  I'm kinda, ya know, totally digging this cat, and he seems to have my number musically...guh.

    Mayday - The Icarus Account

    Mayday, mayday
    Someone save me
    I am fragile
    Oh, somebody rescue me
    Oh, somebody tell me you will

    Ohhh ohhh ohhh
    Ahh-o0o0o0o

    In concrete heartache
    Left me awake
    Sleepless sleeper
    Oh, somebody wake me up
    Oh, somebody tell me you will

    Tell me that you're going to save me
    That everything is gonna be okay
    I'm screaming but nobody can hear me
    Can you save me from.........myself

    Ohhh ohhh ohhh

    No, no, no, no
    How can this be?
    I've tried and tried and tried
    But I'm sill lost out at sea
    When did I become the things that I used to hate
    I'm stranded to this ship
    Left to fall with a crash of the waves

    Tell me that you're going to save me
    That everything is gonna be okay
    I'm screaming but nobody can hear me
    Can you save me from.........myself

    And tell me that you're going to save me
    That everything is gonna be okay
    Mayday, mayday, mayday

Saturday, 18 December 2010

  • Currently
    Dash & Lily's Book of Dares
    By Rachel Cohn, David Levithan
    see related

    Now I Believe

    People are surprising.  Sometimes ones you think will be around aren't anymore, and sometimes...someone who you didn't really think about, wants to be a part of things.  I add everyone on that F-site.  If I went to school with someone, boom, they ARE being added.  I did that, of course, and one night he IMs me.  We got to talking and he's pretty much a cool dude.  I don't know that anything amazing will come of it, but if you had told me two weeks ago that I would even talk to him, I would have laughed.  I've seen him plenty of places, since he lives pretty close, but again, never talked to him.  We've been talking a lot lately, and it's so weird.  At first I was simply weirded out, and wouldn't take it seriously, but now...now I'm coming around, because, you never know.  Anyway, he's going on a trip right now, yay holidays, and we were talking music.  We're both pretty open to it, but eh, anyway, this song came up.  I have a soft spot for the band anyway.  Haha, yeah, so...we'll see.  Also, sorry about the really long sabbatical, I ended up needing to reformat, what joy!!

    Carry This Picture - Dashboard Confessional

    Carry this picture for luck
    Kept in a locket
    Tucked in your collar
    Close to your chest
    Make it a secret
    Shown to the closest friends
    And meet me at quarter to 7
    The sun will still shine then
    At this time of year
    We'll head to the inlet
    And we'll share a bottle there

    And color the coast with your smile
    Its the most genuine thing
    That I've ever seen
    I was so lost
    But now I believe

    And follow me south of the big docks
    They tether the boats
    The rich men revere
    As so important
    They hire our fathers to steer
    And down to the edge of the water
    Where we'll spill our guts
    And we'll name our fears
    I'll give you this picture
    Keep it and don't be scared

    And color the coast with your smile
    It's the most genuine thing
    That I've ever seen
    I was so lost
    But now I believe
    And the coast
    Your smile is the most genuine thing
    That I've ever seen
    I was so lost
    But now I believe
    And I believe
    Now I believe
    Now I believe

Wednesday, 01 December 2010

  • Bring on the big folks!

    Dan posted about body types, and I'm a big girl, and believe me, pretty darn secure in it.  Proof?



    I'm completely happy with me, no questions asked.  I have an awesome dude who thinks I have a rockin' bod, go figure, but that's pretty awesome.  Now, here's my kind of dude...
    Kevin Smith, arguably the sexiest man alive.

    Tyler Glenn, one of the few "thin but toned" men I find attractive.


    Lastly, this post was to convince my last man to GAIN THE WEIGHT BACK!  He looks better with it on, eh I can be shallow for a moment.

    Tell me Seth Rogen doesn't look better all cuddly!  I'll agree to disagree peacefully though.



  • Currently
    Night Star (The Immortals)
    By Alyson Noël
    see related

    I Don't Care If You Don't Mind

    I've been weird-er than normal lately.  It's a feelings thing.  I've been all deep and philosophical...I need to lay off the poetry.  Rilke and Emerson today, blah.  Keep to the fluff, and I'm confessing all my weirdness to my dude and he simply says, "It's all good, you're fine."  FINE?!  No, I'm not fine, I'm totally falling head over heels for him and he thinks it's all fine?  I don't get it.  Anyway this is kind of a perfect song to get my mind off things...actually a perfect band to for the most part.  They never are really too serious (pre-American Idiot) and this song eh, it's nice.

    Poprocks and Coke  - Green Day

    Wherever you go
    You know I’ll be there
    If you go far,
    You know I’ll be there
    I’ll go anywhere,
    So I’ll see you there
    You place the name
    You know I’ll be there
    You name the time
    You know I’ll be there
    I’ll go anywhere
    So I’ll see you there

    I don’t care if you don’t mind
    I’ll be there not far behind
    I will dare
    Keep in mind
    I’ll be there for you

    Where there’s truth
    You know I’ll be there
    Amongst the lies
    You know I’ll be there
    I’ll go anywhere
    So I’ll see you there

    I don’t care if you don’t mind
    I’ll be there not far behind
    I will dare
    Keep in mind
    I’ll be there for you

    If you should fall
    You know I’ll be there
    To catch the call
    You I’ll be there
    I’ll go anywhere
    So I’ll see you there

    I don’t care if you don’t mind
    I’ll be there not far behind
    I will dare
    Keep in mind
    I don’t care
    I’ll be there for you
    I’ll be there for you

Monday, 29 November 2010

  • As I'm starting this, I'm trying to find an amazing song, so bear with the likely rambling to find one.  I think I'm in the horribly scary process of falling IN love. Literally, I do NOT think I could be luckier.  I've even been motivated to be a better version of myself.  One with a job and ideally in college.  I've started talking to an admissions counselor at WIU, which of course, he loves...since WIU is closer to him.  I just think it seems nicer, throw that perk in and I'll kill myself to get in.  I seriously give him the credit for making me WANT to be better.  I don't know, like...I have something worth living for...and even worse, something to lose.  And of course, I don't want to lose him, at all, so I'll do my friggin best to be everything I can.  I don't really want to get to that secure thing that Buddy has like ever.  Buddy loves her relationship because she says it won't end, unless she ends it.  Maybe she's right, but that doesn't seem fair.  I guess this seems like it could be more of a partnership than I've had historically.  Like, we're both equally committed.  I had one where I was more committed, and one where he was more, but this seems about even.  Seriously, he's practically perfect.  I need to find the flaw, because I'm SURE he has one, right?  Oh, came up with the perfect song too, at least for today.  I'll post a picture and it'll ALL make sense!

    Kiss From a Rose - Seal

    You became the light on the dark side of me.
    Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill.
    But did you know,
    That when it snows,
    My eyes become large and
    The light that you shine can be seen.
    Baby,
    I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey.
    Ooh,
    The more I get of you,
    Stranger it feels, yeah.
    And now that your rose is in bloom.
    A light hits the gloom on the grey.
    There is so much a man can tell you,
    So much he can say.
    You remain,
    My power, my pleasure, my pain, baby
    To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny.
    Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?
    But did you know,
    That when it snows,
    My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
    Baby,
    I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey.
    Ooh, the more I get of you
    Stranger it feels, yeah
    Now that your rose is in bloom.
    A light hits the gloom on the grey,
    I've been kissed by a rose on the grey,
    I've been kissed by a rose
    I've been kissed by a rose on the grey,
    ...And if I should fall along the way
    I've been kissed by a rose
    ...been kissed by a rose on the grey.
    There is so much a man can tell you,
    So much he can say.
    You remain
    My power, my pleasure, my pain.
    To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny, yeah
    Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby.
    But did you know,
    That when it snows,
    My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
    Baby,
    I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey.
    Ooh, the more I get of you
    Stranger it feels, yeah
    Now that your rose is in bloom,
    A light hits the gloom on the grey.
    Yes I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey
    Ooh, the more I get of you
    Stranger it feels, yeah
    And now that your rose is in bloom
    A light hits the gloom on the grey
    Now that your rose is in bloom,
    A light hits the gloom on the grey



    Yeah...he has that in his car at all times, how can I NOT totally be head over heels, right?

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

  • Currently
    Sorta Like a Rock Star
    By Matthew Quick
    see related

    They're not enough

    He played a song for me last night.  It was this one, actually.  I almost cried.  It's such a beautiful song to begin with.  And when he played it on his guitar whaaaa, totally putty.  On the down side my sister messaged messaged me saying "happy anniversary of becoming bionic" and followed it up with her saying she had to call me later.  My big sister has MS.  It's still preliminary, she needs her MRI results and a spinal tap to be sure, but the arrows point to it.  Ten years ago on Saturday it was my 12th birthday.  My sister was turning 21 the day after.  She called me for our collective birthdays for the first time ever.  I said she should have a good birthday, but she told me it wouldn't be, because her aunt had died.  She died of MS.  Now I'm just thinking about my sister dying, and...I can hardly bear it.  I mean, I know it's early and she's been on top of it, but still, it's something to think about.

    Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

    We'll do it all
    Everything
    On our own

    We don't need
    Anything
    Or anyone

    If I lay here
    If I just lay here
    Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

    I don't quite know
    How to say
    How I feel

    Those three words
    Are said too much
    They're not enough

    If I lay here
    If I just lay here
    Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

    Forget what we're told
    Before we get too old
    Show me a garden that's bursting into life

    Let's waste time
    Chasing cars
    Around our heads

    I need your grace
    To remind me
    To find my own

    If I lay here
    If I just lay here
    Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

    Forget what we're told
    Before we get too old
    Show me a garden that's bursting into life

    All that I am
    All that I ever was
    Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

    I don't know where
    Confused about how as well
    Just know that these things will never change for us at all

    If I lay here
    If I just lay here
    Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Monday, 22 November 2010

  • Currently
    Geektastic: Stories from the Nerd Herd
    see related

    Some kind of secret I will share with you

    Sooo, I've spent time compiling my own secrets lately.  A few people know my biggest, not many though.  It was a pretty bad experience, but someone helped me through it.  I don't know that he really knows all he did, but he knows how I feel.  Now, not only am I physically attracted to him, but mentally and emotionally as well.  The perfect trifecta?  Four times, AT BEST, including him.  He even like, you know digs me.  He said I make him feel all "goo-y."  I suppose I have been more emotional with him than anyone else, aaannnnd he's the first ever victim of my "clinginess" which is to say, I'll text him when I get up, regardless...and I you know, care and all.  Seriously, I've saved boatloads of messages in the past couple days that are just awesome.  He just...like, he makes me think "wow" a lot.  Like, he has a daughter, and I never want to infringe on his time with her, but he MAKES time for me, you know?  Without me asking...he just fits me in, he's just so flippin awesome I can't believe I could even HOPE to be so lucky, you know?  Anyway, this song is by his favorite band (he's a fan boy) and it's pretty good, they're kinda growing on me.

    Something About Us - Daft Punk

    It might not be the right time
    I might not be the right one
    But there's something about us I want to say
    Cause there's something between us anyway

    I might not be the right one
    It might not be the right time
    But there's something about us I've got to do
    Some kind of secret I will share with you

    I need you more than anything in my life
    I want you more than anything in my life
    I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
    I love you more than anyone in my life


Monday, 15 November 2010

  • What Makes My Lonely Heart Feel Like This?

    This song, I think it relates a lot to how I react to things.  It doesn't hurt that the lead singer makes my exclusive list of "skinny dudes I'd bone."  Eh, I have a thing for big guys, and he isn't, but he is nice to look at.  I was actually pleasantly surprised by the Neon Trees.  After hearing "Animal" on the radio and liking it, I seriously expected all their songs to sound the same...and they DO NOT.  I love that.  I am just so over the moon with them, ridiculously.  By the way...I love Iowa...it makes hot cocoa taste better. 

    Helpless - Neon Trees

    Why can't you see I'm just no good at these things?
    I want to love you like the man I'm supposed to be.
    But you don't mean these conversations get boring
    The thick, the pathetic working's like consistency (?)

    You turn and ask me
    Why don't you hold me baby, oh oh baby
    My cool is melting away in the making
    Oh miss, you can't see me like this

    Helpless helpless
    What makes my lonely heart feel like this?
    Helpless, I'm helpless when it comes to you

    Leave me alone. I know I'm not making sense
    But I know I can't let you come any closer
    It's my security, its my self-offense
    I keep on doing all this over and over

    You turn and ask me,
    Just get to know me baby, oh oh baby
    I turn away and pretend that I'm doing just fine
    But you're inside my mind
    And I'm

    Helpless helpless
    What makes my lonely heart feel like this?
    Helpless, I'm helpless when it comes to you

    I'm caught in the way we talk,
    I'm never good enough
    Your love's like a wrecking ball and I don't want to break apart
    Break apart, oh oh oh ohhh

    Helpless helpless
    What makes my wounded heart feel like this?
    Helpless, I'm helpless when it comes to you
    [x2]
    when it comes to you...

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

  • Currently
    A Certain Slant of Light
    By Laura Whitcomb
    see related

    He Stands There Then Walks Away

    Ugh, so my friend vibes remain the most intense thing about me.  I did however start talking to a guy who I would like to be THE guy.  I mean, he's a farmer (damn you Iowa) and he's prematurely old, like me.  So far he's pretty much perfect, except we live 80 miles apart.  I don't know if he'll want to pursue anything, despite him saying I'm practically perfect and he 100% seriously digs me...that said, I don't know if he digs me ENOUGH to deal with the distance, you know?  Also, I've gotten in a funk, a terrible funk...I don't mean my infamous Logan funk, I think I might have outgrown that.  This is a Taylor Swift funk...ugh.

    I'd Lie - Taylor Swift

    I don’t think that passenger seat
    Has ever looked this good to me
    He tells me about his night
    And I count the colors in his eyes
    He’ll never fall in love he swears
    As he runs his fingers through his hair
    I’m laughing cause I hope he's wrong
    I don't think it ever crossed his mind
    He tells a joke I fake a smile
    That I know all his favorite songs
    And..

    [chorus:]
    I could tell you his favorite color's green
    He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth
    His sister's beautiful, he has his father’s eyes
    And if you asked me if I love him,
    I’d lie

    He looks around the room
    Innocently overlooks the truth
    Shouldn’t a light go on?
    Doesn’t he know that I’ve had him memorized for so long?
    He sees everything black and white
    Never let nobody see him cry
    I don’t let nobody see me wishing he was mine

    [chorus]

    He stands there then walks away
    My god if I could only say
    I’m holding every breath for you...

    He’d never tell you but he can play guitar
    I think he can see through everything
    But my heart
    First thought when I wake up is
    My god he’s beautiful
    So I put on my make up
    And pray for a miracle

    Yes I could tell you his favorite color's green
    He loves to argue oh and it kills me
    His sisters beautiful he has his father’s eyes
    And if you asked me if I love him
    If you asked me if I love him
    I’d lie


Wednesday, 03 November 2010

  • You're Pretty Rad and I Take it all Back

    Remember how I keep saying I don't like rap?  I say these things...often.  Unfortunately Justin, Buddy's fiancee, is a BIG rap fan.  Now, exposure has made it so I don't automatically want to stab ear drums or anything, but I don't go seeking it out.  Asher Roth has become my exception.  I might kinda love him a little bit, you know.  Anyhoozie...I dig the song, haha.

    Be By Myself - Asher Roth ft Cee-Lo (whoever he is)

    [Intro: Cee-Lo]
    I gotta be by myself, gotta be by myself this time
    Whoa [x2]

    [Verse 1: Asher Roth]
    In the backseat screaming out loud
    In the backseat screaming out
    Ash is young, attractive, handsome bachelor, awesome rapper
    Got a knack for vernacular when I perform spectacular
    I'll have any girl that I want, I'm a take the girl in the front
    Boobs bounce when I tell the crowd jump, honey, come backstage I just want to have fun
    But I'm too young to be locked down, not now
    Need a new car, drive around with the top down
    New broad with her bra and her top down
    Chillin' in the backseat screaming out loud

    [Chorus: Cee-Lo]
    She wants to be my lady but I don't see her
    She wants to be my lady but I'm a free bird
    I gotta be by myself, gotta be by myself this time
    I gotta fly by myself, go get high by myself this time

    [Verse 2: Asher Roth]
    The cycle is Shawn Michaels (heartbreak)
    And yeah I like you but not enough to wife you
    Say, I'm nice, true and you think I'm the right dude
    But there's another girl just like you (like who?)
    I'm on the road, another night, another show
    New event in a new time zone
    And the live show is so mind blowing
    And it's my show so you know that I'm blown (you know?)
    No text gonna give me head, Long distance just ain't my thing
    Yeah I'm single, don't need no ring,
    I'm a free man now, I don't need no strings, sing

    [Chorus]

    [Verse 3: Asher Roth]
    If you're cool with nights at the pool
    Jacuzzis and groupies, groupies and booze
    And no rules, I'm only 22
    I need to watch football and hang with the crew
    But if you don't get mad when I get fat
    Cause all I do is eat, drink, smoke weed and rap
    And play Madden then dag
    You're pretty rad and I take it all back, c'mon

    [Chorus]

    Just keep clapping your hands, Feels good, feels nice and warm in here right now
    I'm feeling free, if you feel free, clap your hands, ah, ah, ah, c'mon

    [Chorus]


Tuesday, 02 November 2010

  • Wait with me

    I think, I might have had a one night stand.  He hasn't talked to me since, and he's got time.  I sent him a message saying I had a nice time, and he said nothing back.  Maybe I should be broken up about it, but...I'm not really.  I feel slightly bad that I'm stupid, but I'm not really upset or crying over it or anything.  I've learned I don't like to do anything without some sort of commitment, but it's possible, and I don't really think less of myself for it, just...I've learned from it.  Note to self, when I guy says, "I don't care...you're hot!" this will not go well.  Weird, considering I don't think I'm hot, haha, but yeah...we'll see.   The song isn't related to this or anything, it's just a beautiful song. 

    I'll Find a Way - Rachel Yamagata

    I'll find a way to see you again
    I'll find a way to see you again

    I used to think that anything I'd do
    Wouldn't matter at all anyway
    But now I find that when it comes to you
    I'm the winner of cards I can't play
    Wait for me, wait for me
    Darling, I need you desperately, desperately here

    And I'll find a way to see you again
    And I'll find a way to see you again

    The rain is like an orchestra to me
    Little gifts from above meant to say
    Girl, you falling at his feet
    Isn't lovely or stunning today
    Wait with me, wait with me
    I'm alive when you're here with me, here with me, stay

    And I'll find a way to see you again
    And I'll find a way to see you again

    Why do the street lamps die
    When you're passing by
    Like a hand that won't stay on my shoulder tonight
    If you held me close, would you laugh it away
    Would you dare the glance that I steal to stay

    And I'll find a way to see you again
    Yes, I'll find a way to see you again
    I'll find a way, a way, a way to see you again
    I'll find a way, a way, a way to see you again
    I'll find a way, a way, a way to see you again
    The rain will bring, the rain will bring, the rain will bring, bring, bring me down
    The rain will bring, the rain will bring, the rain will bring, bring, bring me down
    The rain will bring, the rain will bring, the rain will bring, bring, bring me down


Monday, 01 November 2010

  • Does Halloween make everyone act weird?!

    I ask this simply because, yesterday was possibly the weirdest day...ever.  I ended up spending the night with Local Guy, who was just well...terribly nice.  He's only about a 5.5 in the looks department, but I feel like his personality overrides that.  I mean, he really just is so sweet, and he worries about me, which is kinda different.  I mean he asked me at least three times if I was feeling alright.  Believe me, I felt fine, haha.  The only real issue is, let's face it, I'm not THAT experienced, just deeply intrigued by sex.  With that said, I'm the more experienced between us...and I don't know how I feel about playing teacher.  That's actually really hard for me, and why I typically shoot for guys a few years older.  What can I say?  I'm one of those hypocrites where experience recommends a man, and makes a woman look cheaper, generally.  Anyway, then last night, I get a text from Lavon.  It was a mass text, I know, but I wished him Happy Halloween back and asked how he was and all that jazz.  He said it was surprising I was talking to him, since I don't like him.  Then he propositioned me for ex sex.  When I said I was sorta seeing someone, and couldn't, he said, "Wow, you don't waste any time do you?"  Maybe, maybe not, I'm not going to wait for a guy who treats me like crap.  Then he talked about still being in love with me, but he didn't want me to have to deal with his being homeless, but it's too late now because I moved on, and I shouldn't text him back because it's TOO painful.  Mmmk weird.  Anyway, then I start talking to long distance guy and pouring my wee soul out.  Ironically he is pretty much the only person I can talk to, completely raw and totally without censor.  We can't work simply because we live too far apart.  In all honesty I kinda love him, a little, but I'm willing to get with someone closer.  I mean, when we were talking last night I was SO flippin close to saying, "I'll make it work" but...I can't, it takes two, and he said, "200 miles, I can drive in a day, that would be no problem, but a thousand?  That's different."  It's more like 850, but I suppose I get the point.  And I wouldn't end anything with anyone for a CHANCE with him, but I might think about it.  Maybe that's crazy, it probably is...but I don't *really* care at this point.  It's an awkward combo of lust and a general appreciation of him as a person.  Don't tell me that's what love is either, haha, because I REFUSE to believe that.  I mean, local guy...when I said I felt bad about living so far away (30 minutes) he said, "Half an hour ain't nothin' and to me, you're worth it, so I don't care at all."  I mean, THAT'S sweet, especially coupled with the fact that he can look at me in the morning and tell me how beautiful I am.  Thank god he's Helen Keller right?  Anyway, the song today is quite appropriate!

    People Are Strange - The Doors

    People are strange when you're a stranger
    Faces look ugly when you're alone
    Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
    Streets are uneven when you're down

    When you're strange
    Faces come out of the rain
    When you're strange
    No one remembers your name
    When you're strange
    When you're strange
    When you're strange

    People are strange when you're a stranger
    Faces look ugly when you're alone
    Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
    Streets are uneven when you're down

    When you're strange
    Faces come out of the rain
    When you're strange
    No one remembers your name
    When you're strange
    When you're strange
    When you're strange

    When you're strange
    Faces come out of the rain
    When you're strange
    No one remembers your name
    When you're strange
    When you're strange
    When you're strange


Friday, 29 October 2010

  • I Swear I Didn't Mean for it to Feel Like This

    So, my long distance friend actually hasn't talked to me.  Go figure, he's kind of a flake, which is probably his problem.  Anyway, I have a pretty hot date tomorrow.  Haha, by "hot" date, we're going to play Wii bowling.  He's super understanding about my mom, which is great.  He's kinda probably one of the nicest people ever, which I think I can definitely like.  Oh, here's the breakdown, merely to clarify things, LDR guy has my number, with the same carrier and unlimited texts and hasn't said a word to me...Local guy has 200 texts on a different carrier, and texts and calls me everyday.  Just saying, the latter seems more serious, you know?  He smokes the reefer, which I've never really been exposed to exactly, but I think I can deal with it.  He totally panicked about me hating him for it, haha, which of course would nullify that.  Anyway, this song...totally makes me feel all fluttery.  Fluttery?  Haha, it's just a weird feeling, where I'm kind of enchanted with it.

    Bruised - Jack's Mannequin (acoustic)

    I've got my things, I'm good to go
    You met me at the terminal
    Just one more plane ride and it's done

    We stood like statues at the gate
    Vacation's come and gone too late
    There's so much sun where I'm from
    I had to give it away, had to give you away

    And we spent four days on an
    Island at your family's old hotel
    Sometimes perfection can be
    It can be perfect hell, perfect...

    Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes
    That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
    For it to feel like this
    Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
    And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
    Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
    So keep it steady, now
    Cause every inch you see is bruised

    I lace my Chucks, I walk the aisle
    I take my pills, the babies cry
    All I hear is what's playing through
    The in-flight radio
    Now every word of every song
    I ever heard that made me wanna stay
    Is what's playing through
    The in-flight radio, and I
    And I am, finally waking up

    Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes
    That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
    For it to feel like this
    Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
    Don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
    Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
    So keep it steady, now
    Cause every inch you see is bruised, yeah

    So read your books, but stay out late
    Some nights, some nights, and don't think
    That you can't stop by the bar
    You haven't shown your face here since the bad news
    Well I'm here till close, with fingers crossed
    Each night cause your place isn't far

    And hours pass, and hours pass, yeah, yeah...

    Yeah, yeah, she still counts the minutes
    That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
    For it to feel like this
    Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
    And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
    Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
    So keep it steady, now
    Cause every inch you see is bruised, bruised, bruised


Tuesday, 26 October 2010

  • I may not seem like much

    Okey dokey, lust panned out poorly, within 24 hours I informed him of an inability to keep it casual.  It's sad, because I have no moral apprehension to sex, I just get way too attached.  While I'm pouring my wee heart out to an old friend he does the same.  Of course he dates bitches, and complains, and then goes on about how he wishes I lived closer.  Well, there's a running theme between us, how we don't live close and the other reeks of awesome.  Then it came up...the "fuck the distance, we can try and make a go for it" and well...I agree.  The distance is kind of a roadblock, sure, but...meh, there's an emotional rawness when I talk to him.  I feel like things changed for me though.  My loyalty factor kicked in immediately, which isn't new, but all today I've been really bugged by something.  I WANT to talk to him.  I care more about making this work than I did with either of my close proximity ones...and that doesn't seem right.  Like, I'm being clingy!!  Ok, I'm being clingy for me, but...I can't help it, I'm trying to, it's just that I care so much.  I just keep worrying that nothing changed for him, you know?  Meh, I'm thinking too much about it probably, but...I've been super introspective.

    Ok, the song...the Script is fucking beautiful!  I haven't heard a song that didn't elicit my complete attention.  This one actually made me cry.  I mean, who hasn't had the feeling that they're pretty unremarkable?

    I'm Yours - The Script

    You touch these tired eyes of mine
    And map my face out line by line
    And somehow growing old feels fine
    I listen close for I'm not smart
    You wrap you thoughts in works of art
    And they're hanging on the walls of my heart

    I may not have the softest touch
    I may not say the words as such
    And though I may not look like much
    I'm yours
    And though my edges may be rough
    And never feel I'm quite enough
    It may not seem like very much
    But I'm yours

    You heeled these scars over time
    Embraced my soul
    You loved my mind
    You're the only angel in my life
    The day news came my best friend died
    My knees went week and you saw me cry
    Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes

    I may not have the softest touch
    I may not say the words as such
    And though I may not look like much
    I'm yours
    And though my edges may be rough
    And never feel I'm quite enough
    It may not seem like very much
    But I'm yours

    I may not have the softest touch
    I may not say the words as such
    I know I don't fit in that much
    But I'm yours


Saturday, 23 October 2010

  • A Lovesick Crackhead

    Well, I am in lust, it's horrible.  A crush I can handle, lust is soooo much worse.  My last case of lust was really...Logan.  What can I say?  I don't find THAT many guys ridiculously attractive.  So, Hotty McHotguy and I hang out, do some fun stuff, and then I found I sincerely enjoyed his company.  That's going to be a bad sign.  I liked him WITH clothes on...without them he's even better.  Seriously though, generally I'm really awkward and uncomfortable...and I wasn't?  I was as close to "normal" as I get.  I carried on a TWO sided conversation!!  In short, I have an addiction, and it will be kept even if it takes ropes and chains to do it...luckily he's open to that.  So what if he's just a fuck buddy with a "..." at the end?  I think this is a good thing...did I mention abostively GORGEOUS?!

    Your Love is My Drug - Kesha

    Maybe I need some rehab,
    Or maybe just need some sleep
    I've got a sick obsession,
    I'm seeing it in my dreams

    I'm looking down every alley,
    I'm making those desperate calls
    Im staying up all night hoping,
    Hit my head against the walls

    What you've got boy is hard to find
    Think about it all about it all the time
    I'm all strung up my heart is fried
    I just cant get you off my mind

    Because your love, your love, your love, is my drug
    Your love your love your love
    I said your love, your love, your love, is my drug
    Your love your love your love

    Won't listen to any advice, mamma's telling me to think twice
    But left to my own devices i'm addicted its a crisis!

    My friends think I've gone crazy, my judgment is getting kinda hazy
    My status is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crackhead


    What you've got boy is hard to find
    Think about it all about it all the time
    I'm all strung up my heart is fried
    I just cant get you off my mind

    Because your love, your love, your love, is my drug
    Your love your love your love
    I said your love, your love, your love, is my drug
    Your love your love your love

    I don't care what people say
    The rush is worth the price I pay
    I get so high when you're with me
    But crash and crave you when you are away

    So I got a question;
    Do you want to have a summer party in my basement?
    Do I make your heart beat like an 808 drum?
    Is my love, your drug?
    (huh) Your drug? (huh) your drug? (huh) your drug?
    Is my love, your drug?

    Because your love, your love, your love, is my drug
    Your love your love your love
    I said your love, your love, your love, is my drug
    Your love your love your love (x2)

    Heyyy heyyy your love, your love,your love,your love, (whispered) is my drug
    I like your beard

possums_rock

  • Visit possums_rock's Xanga Site
    • Name: Kehlie
    • Location: Quad Cities, Iowa, United States
    • Birthday: 11/27/1988
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 10/23/2004
    • True

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