*NOTE - If you are NOT sensing what will be contained in here...I will warn you if you have small children nearby, a stomach condition, no sense of humor, a Persian cat or a hangnail, or if you are easily offended you should probably turn back.*
Again, some of you may not know me well enough to know...I am incredibly crude. There's no better term for it even. You know those teenage boys who made those dirty joke and laughed hysterically? That's pretty much what I am.
To be clear, I am a virgin. I'm generally quite alright with this. I'm very open about it for the most part. Haha, I don't send out visuals, but I have no problem venting that I have NEEDS. This is not to be construed as to mean that I need HELP from anyone, I merely have no shame. I don't even have the sensor saying, "Oh...I shouldn't say this." Masturabtion, totally healthy, I do it a lot. Everyone KNOWS this too. It's not a big deal. When I was 12 I was given free reign of the porn library, which I humbly refused, and went behind Dad's back and looked online.
I have two sisters and a brother, our dad is one of four boys. Our grandparents weren't fond of clothes, and the four boys were raised accordingly. I can not speak of the raising of my cousins, as I was not there, but I will say they DO enjoy the same sense of humor. Dad was unconventional though. He had a very, "I won't recommend it, but if you want to do it...here's the scoop," attitude.
Sex, drugs and rock n' roll...it's Dad's thing. The drugs, honestly weren't more than booze and weed, but in his day he loved both to excess. After giving those up, food was the next big love. He's a good cook, taught me young, and I love to cook too. Dad's always been a big guy, minus a few years when he lived on Miller Lite and weed. He quit the weed when it became grounds to loose his pilot's license. Anyway, my dad has been about 350 lbs, most of my life. (I clearly inherited any gluttony gene there is.) But the point is, I was exposed to it all, given the opportunity, and I was a black sheep. I rebelled. Now, I did have a instance when I was 14 where I wanted to be a total ho-bag. It turned into a boy yelling rape, and my just saying that I'm friendly. I still chase THAT piece after six years...I'm determined. My dad offered us a motel room for my 15th birthday, and I shut down out of rebellion, to an extent. I mean...that was NOT my dad's intent, but...it worked. Thus, to this day, I am wholly untouched, never smoked or drank, and don't really care to advance these things unnecessarily.
My family is crude, as you may say. Conversations of piss writing are often told at the table. Dirty jokes are a must, and past the age of seven, you don't need to cover your ears. Dirty jokes...actually, its an odd thing, Dad called, a few days ago to say, "HEY, Kehlie, what do you call a virgin on a waterbed?" "I don't know Dad, what?" "A cherry float!!" My sisters...they're GREAT. One is 29, one is 18, both are more experienced than I am. Upon meeting my recent fellow of interest, I was told by the younger to "FUCK HIM FOR MEEEE!!!" The older merely saying, "Be safe...knees together, unless their together around his head." Her opinion of the latter, "It's so good, that is how people should say hello!"
Growing up unconventially has been a struggle for the younger as of late. Her boyfriend wants to wait. Most girls would think, "Gee whiz, he really respects me, what a great guy." Instead, in our family, you are more apt to hear, "Why is he NOT fucking me?!" I know I have uttered those words a time or two.
The older, I never was around much until moving back home. She is frankly, a reformed slut. I hear stories, stories not needed. Gramps's funeral was conducted by an old family friend, who had his deckhands ferrying visitors to and fro. One of these deckhands went by the name of Hammerhead. Hammerhead was loved by the vaginas of all of us innocent lasses present. We spoke of Hammerhead just today and Amanda says, "Oooh, I just want to take pictures, and use you for sex." I had to add, "Because even if you don't do it WITH me, I'll be doing it at home...thinking of you."
We went to Lock and Dam 15, which is kind of a bit of childhood for us. This is where we dicussed Hammerhead, and how we wanted to go 'trol for deckhands, to get into the business by marriage. It's non-commital commitment. You have a month away from the dude, and he comes back for a month at home, it's the best of both worlds. Not to mention, they love it when you flash them. These guys also talk like sailors, such as us. They would laugh at things like "Mike Sweeny = Mike's weenie" and "Big Fat Reed's Creamery." Then there's the slightly obscure statement, totally taken sexually, or alarming someone of something that is NOT to be taken sexually, though they probably wouldn't have. A classic example of something similar to this, is Chevy Chase in Christmas Vaction, but we do it with a straight face.
This is the family where wearing a shirt saying "EAT ME" to Grandma's...at Christmas, is never really thought much of. In fact, my grandma is on Facebook, and I will show you my default. Is it wildly inappropriate? Of course! Is she shocked? Not really. It's the sad truth though, she may not have expected it from ME, but the thought that someone from the family did it, is not a shock one bit.
"Blow Me" and "Tits"...two Williams family phrases to display love or awesome. Ok, "blow me" is more of irritation, and it's a pretty regular sound at any major family function. "Tits" means awesome, literally. First, there was "tits on wheels" which is what my dad calls his two wheel dolly. Then...everything, and I mean EVERYTHING became "tits." We drove by a house in Buffalo earlier and Amanda said, "See that house? Tits on the river!" If something is so awesome, you can't even describe it, "Simply tits."
My parents, being the hep cats they were in the day, will drive buy houses in the neighborhoods they grew up in. Sometimes, it's unintentional, but suddenly, the car can jerk and Dad will say, "See that house? I got high...in that house." Mother is more apt to say, "I totally partied in that house."
Thinking about all of this, I've really been lead to the conclusion that while yes, my parents were unconventional, especially Dad, they weren't bad parents. They had flaws, yes, but overall...I turned out alright. I'm happy being able to be direct and talk about sex, even if it IS sexual humor, haha. It beats being embarrassed everytime someone says, "Twat"...it happens...a lot around here. I love being able to find the Playboy bunny on the cover in five seconds. Basically...I loved being able to decide for myself. That's what my parents really did. They taught me to learn where they screwed up, but let me know, it was alright if I screw up too. While Dad is MOSTLY a hands off kind of parent, I think it helped more than hurt me. Though...I'm starting to sound like a crusty ol' towboat captain, which is a pity. Was it weird? Slightly. Would I have wanted to be in a different family? No. I have to really thank my parents for it though. (I know...I look like Dad, and this was 1987, my mom was 21 and my dad was 25...but don't deny that you see the animal magnetism there too.)
Also...anyone who thinks they can last a Williams Family Christmas...lemme know, haha. Seriously, that's not the ONLY requirement of the gents, who take an interest me. I also prefer some base attraction, a trifecta of emotional, mental and physical is GREAT, but I have been known to settle for 2/3. By the way, everything you have read above, makes me "friend zone" material. It DOES exist! Strangely enough, most guys don't dig it...go figure, haha. It's not that I can't act like a totally civilized human being, I do in public, but in the throes of genetics...I go to the roots. I cannot escape it, I embrace it. If you find THIS funny, you'll probably fit in too!
My family is kinda like that, too, and also my fiancee's. Nice.
That last thing with the cameraman? I would've dropped the camera, and bolted up from the floor like there was a grenade up my ass. Man-juice on my face? YUCK. It would just send me through the roof in a millisecond. He really kept it cool, in my opinion. Too cool, even. Yikes.
@Unstoppable_Inner_Strength - Haha, he was a bit too cool. Even as a woman, I have to say, if I'm not expecting it, I do NOT want it in my face. It's the occupational hazard NOBODY thinks of though, haha. I'm glad to know mine isn't the only one! Though, honestly I can't wait to take a nice young man to a family gathering and get the look of, "WTF is wrong with you people?"
Comments (4)
Love the sheep picture. :)
@JL789 - Haha, thank you...it's ironic, I think.
My family is kinda like that, too, and also my fiancee's. Nice.
That last thing with the cameraman? I would've dropped the camera, and bolted up from the floor like there was a grenade up my ass. Man-juice on my face? YUCK. It would just send me through the roof in a millisecond. He really kept it cool, in my opinion. Too cool, even. Yikes.
@Unstoppable_Inner_Strength - Haha, he was a bit too cool. Even as a woman, I have to say, if I'm not expecting it, I do NOT want it in my face. It's the occupational hazard NOBODY thinks of though, haha. I'm glad to know mine isn't the only one! Though, honestly I can't wait to take a nice young man to a family gathering and get the look of, "WTF is wrong with you people?"